If Risky Biscuits had a slogan à la “dogs are for life, not just for Christmas”, it would be “Peens are for everyday, not just for hen parties”.
Of course, peen biscuits are perfect for hen parties, but they also slip in perfectly to so many other celebrations and occasions too! In fact, a good 50% of the biscuits and biscuit kits I sell are intended for non-hen party events – the only limit, really, is your imagination.
But if you’re looking for a little inspiration to jog your imagination, then let’s dive into 7 occasions a peen biscuit is perfect for:
Know someone who is getting the snip, and want to get them a little vasectomy gift? Introducing: the Vasecto-peens.
If you want to get the patient something tongue-in-cheek to help ease the pain-you-know-where, but you’re feeling uninspired by the terrible t-shirts and cringey cards that Google has thrown up, my box of Vasecto-peens are what you’re looking for. (There’s a reason they’re my bestseller over on Etsy!)
Over six Peens, you can take them on their vasectomy journey in biscuit form: starting with the ball being shaved, then Frank in pain, a stitched up Frank, officially firing blanks, a dead sperm, and, finally, finishing (pun intended) on a happy, sperm-free Frank.
Plus, not only is this vasectomy gift funny, it’s also absolutely delicious, making it ideal for bedside recovery (unlike a weird joke-y t-shirt, which awkwardly ends up at the charity shop…)
I’m so here for your hen party and celebrating your upcoming marriage, but like all good friends if it all goes tits up, I’m also here for you for the divorce. (And the divorce party! Let’s celebrate!)
Divorce peens are my second best seller on Etsy, and come as a set of three. Using my favourite alphabet sprinkles, they spell out Jog On, Off You Fuck and Ding Dong the Dick is Gone. As I’m pretty sure you can guess, some of the gift messages that customers have added to this set are just amazing…it warms my heart to know you all have such good friends out there who have got your back!
Did you see the Hallowpeens last month? Perfect if you’re hosting an alternative Halloween party (and there’s definitely a joke in there about dressing up as something scary.) They will be back next October, but if you ever want spooky peens, just ask!
POV: you work in an office with immaculate vibes, and it’s time to pick your Secret Santa present. Gain the (secret) recognition as official best gift giver with festive peen biscuits dressed up as Christmas puddings, snowmen, and Christmas trees. And yes, whilst they are somewhat novelty, rest assured that first and foremost they taste absolutely delicious: so it won’t be tat that they’ll throw away, like when the desk calendar ‘accidentally fell into the bin’.)
We’re moving into the new year, now, with the next occasion that a peen biscuit is perfect for: Valentine’s Day.
My pink and white peens covered in love hearts and kisses are a brilliant gift for your beau. Whether you’re sending them sincerely – the biscuits may be sweet, but the message you send can be spicy – or as a hilarious joke because your partner’s a d***, they’re definitely not the gift they’ll be expecting on the morning of 14th February, but it’s the gift they’ll be glad to get.
Alternatively, you could buy some Risky Biscuits for Galentine’s Day, which falls on 13th February. It’s the day to celebrate the gal pals in your life, your ride or dies. Thank them for being there for you when you had to deal with a prick, by getting them one of their own.
Once June and July hit, it’s allll about the pride Peens here at Risky Biscuits HQ, where I go a bit rainbow crazy. If you’re hosting pres, kick off your pride plans with a cheeky biscuit spread. Or, you can send them to a friend who you sadly can’t be with in person, but who you’re supporting with loads of love from elsewhere.
To tell you the truth, peen biscuits suit pretty much every occasion, ever! My second best-seller on my website is the single peen, due to its complete versatility. You can pop a peen in the post for any occasion – even just for a rainy day – and let someone know you’re thinking about them. (Cute! But not too cute…on account of, you know, the phallus.)
I’ve had single peen orders for passing your driving test (so random, love it), on a book release (from an editor to the author – why the hell not) and, perhaps my favourite of all, one congratulating the recipient on ‘getting over that dry spell’ – sent a couple of months after we came out of lockdown. YOU GO GIRL!
Okay, so there’s one thing they’re not appropriate for – and that’s for kids. Obviously! However, they shouldn’t miss out on delicious biscuits, so I also do child-friendly decorating boxes – keep an eye out for the Halloween themed box, Christmas theme and Easter themes, all coming up. They’re the same tasty recipe, with coloured icing and sprinkles to decorate, but in a family-friendly shape and with peen-free instructions.
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